My Two Brothers..........

Well, since the last Blog I thought it wasn't fair not to write something about my brothers as they are on my mind as well. My parents divorced when I was quite young, four I believe. I cannot remember them ever being together. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. My 2 brothers Ken and Bruce left with my mom and my sister shell moved shortly after. Even though my father gained custody he couldn't force them to stay. Years later he would realize why they left. The wicked stepmother. My sister Chris and I had to stay. My mother moved to Florida, it was a blessing. At the time I hated that she moved so far away- it was hard only being able to spend summers with her. I couldn't imagine my life had I been in my hometown to this day. I would surely be messed up had she not showed us a better place. Well, about my brothers... Ken was the oldest, and hard to get close to. He was humorous, a sick sense of humor and very distant. I still loved him but there was so much age difference as he was the oldest and I was the youngest. I think he resented having to babysit for the younger siblings for many years. I remember always trying to get close to him. My brother Bruce, he was my hero. He always took me under his wing whenever I got to see him. I was in my early teens when he confided in me that he was gay. I felt special that he didn't hide it from me, and talked to me like I wasn't a kid. I remember cleaning his car for five bucks, ridding his car of an embarassing amount of fast food wrappers. lol He was just a genuinely good person. He made me laugh, he wasn't afraid to show affection like my brother Ken. We had a musical connection. He would take me everywhere, we would be listening to meat loaf and Barbara mandrell. He would tell me what the song meanings were. I was at the bowling alley one time , sitting with a friend, my back was to the door. My friend said "Dont turn around just yet but the hottest guy just walked through the door"... I turned around and said "ew thats my brother" They were both very good looking though. I also became friends with their friends. we would joke about who knew more - fun trying to see If I had gaydar. Tim {my brother Bruce's friend} were at the aiport and I thought I could spot anyone who was gay, and who was not. I'd say he is or he isn't, he would say nope you are wrong. Most often it was the cuter they were they always seemed to be gay. lol It's not fair! I would say. we laughed a lot. I remember him coming home for christmas one year, I was in my early teens. A bit of a worry wart. I would sit up and wait for him to come home. All sorts of thoughts going through my head, what if he got into an accident? etc.... I dont know maybe it was because my mother had a bad habit of listening to a scanner so she would know before the kids got home if they had been pulled over, etc...
He made it home and it was a good christmas. I had wanted a bike really bad, he told me that I was to get a computer. I said I dont want a computer. {computers didn't appeal to me way back then and what good would it be?} he would go on and on about how cool a computer was and all the things you could do. He was trying to get my mind off of a bike and to suprise me. So on Christmas morning I was all geared up to get that computer~ nope.... it was a bike.
I would make his lunches for him when he would come home for lunch. I would be all excited to make him a sandwich , so I would have it made in the morning sitting on the table waiting for him to get home. {didn't realize the spoilage concept at that point} but it was ready and waiting.....
We had lots of good memories. He ended up moving to Tampa. {we would later find out he moved so far away so they could distance themselves from us} As to make their deaths easier on us. yeah right..
Right after my father passed I had a bank account full of cash. {inheritance} So I wandered around aimlessly the following year just buying stuff. I think there ought to be a law that you can't touch inheritance money for a year or more following a death. Or else you just blow it, and you will find out later that you could have done so much more with it. I used some of the money to go to Arizona to visit my sister Shell. She let it slip that our brothers were dying with aids. I was in total shock~ What the hell? Our dad just died, and you are telling me that our brothers are gonna die too?? why had she known this and we didn't? How could she just say it like that!?? how dare she!?? she was so far away and had distanced herself from our brothers quite a while before this. I wanted to go back home right away to be with my sister chris. She needed to know too, but I couldn't tell her on the phone.
I got back home and my sister chris called my brother Bruce to ask. The answer was yes. We made the drive to Tampa many many times, just to see them as much as we could. I was in deep denial and kept telling them that they will find a cure, and they could outlive us. I just refused to accept it. I didn't appreciate their sick sense of humor at the time. As they were ailing one of them lost hearing in one ear and the other in the opposite so they would call eachother deaf bitches or comments like that. Through it all they kept their humor. We kept thinking back to dad's funeral and looking at it differently. The look on our brothers faces became more vivid. They knew they would be next. They got aids when people didn't know about aids and had it for many years. They wanted us to be sure to tell people to be safe and it is totally preventable if you know about it. That following year was a roller coaster. Going to Tampa and visiting them and trying to deny that they looked any different. I still have an answering machine tape with his voice saying " hey booboo, it's your big brother Bruce, I went to the doctor and everything is fine,,, I looooove you. talk to you soon. Things got worse and our last visit was awful. He had gotten so thin, he wouldn't eat. I wanted to hug him but didn't want to hurt him. He still insisted he would be fine. We didn't want to leave his house but we knew we had to. we begged him to please go to the hospital. He promised us he would in the morning. The next morning we drove to his house and everyone was standing out front. We were bawling before we walked up to the house. we knew he was gone. I felt that losing Bruce was harder than losing my parents. why?? why? why? hasn't our family had enough? how could god take so many good people from one family? There was no service. They didn't want us to have to go through another funeral. After 2 limousine rides following the hearses of our parents they wanted it to be different. My sister chris and I had our own memorial with friends. We have made ourselves feel better by saying that at least mom and dad went first. Imagine if they had to lose both their sons? I later received a letter from one of my brother's friends. It was a letter he had written to me. He was only 33 when he passed.

Jeanine,
I am willing to bet that I know how you are feeling right about now. Believe me if there were anything that I could do tohave not given you this pain I would not have hesitated to do it.
You are a very strong woman Jeanine. That is how I know that you will get though this. The one thing you have to do is value yourself more than you do. You are strong and smart and pretty and one of the most caring people that I know. There is no reason that you cannot become whatever you want in life. Through our entire childhood it seems we were all held back in some way from thinking we would ever amount to anything. I want to tell you that is bullshit. I believe in you Jeanine. You need to do the same. I am not trying to give you a hard time, I merely want you to know that I believe in you. I am pretty sure that if I know you like I do your having a real hard time dealing with this. There is no right or wrong way to deal with a loved one dying. From having lost both parents and countless friends over the years all I can say that you have to remember to hold onto the ones that you love tightly as long as you can. I feel really fortunate that I may have not had a long life but I did have a full one. not many people that I have lost can say that. The only thing I can think of as worse than dying young is dying alone and unloved. thanks to tim and my brother and sisters for being with me, that is not something I will have to deal with. I can't hug you anymore. So, that you will know every night when you go to sleep your big brother has hugged you. I love you Jeanine you are special. Dont Ever forget it..... Love you always, Bruce
The following year Ken passed. same thing..watched him get worse until finally it was time. I remember wondering which was worse- our parents sudden deaths where we didn't even get to say goodbye or an illness where you have lots of time to say goodbye but seeing someone deteriorate is not good either. I guess there is pros and cons to both.
My sister chris and I got through it together. I had a few years where it never left my mind. When I met scott I was hesitant ,I didn't want to put him through my misery. Why would someone want to be with me? I was broken. Would I ever be normal again? I was angry and depressed. I had nothing to offer I thought. I became a little neurotic about death at that time. Worrying about scott and my sister chris dying. They could surely never ever ride in a car together. If I lost them both at the same time I would surely end it all. We did eventually seek counseling. I remember the first time I went on the advice of my sister cause she had gone for a while before I had. I thought I dont need this, my life is fine. It all worked out. I remember just rambling for hour sessions once a week. About nothing seemingly significant- but feeling really tired when I left. Apparently it helped. My counselor would joke with me about trying to help all the other patients in the waiting room. I swear sometimes I have an invisible force magnet that propels people to tell me all their problems. I dont mind, I kind of enjoy it. Even now, I will be in a store or out somewhere and all of the sudden someone comes up to me and somehow I know their life story. lol
Having kids has helped me tremendously. I live happy now for them. They are my world. Life is much better.....