2009 So far.............

Four days so far without sugar, and I feel great so far. I know, It is only three days into the year, but I started on New Years Eve. We dont usually do too much on New Years, it's better to be at home avoiding all the drunks on the roads. I had never really thought about it much until this year about some of the past New Years Eve's.
My father and his wife were married on New Years Eve. we were never invited. {should have known at that point something was wrong} why you wouldn't want your own family at your wedding. No, it wasn't that they were happy love birds who wanted to elope. I am quite sure it was to satisfy the witches demands. I have honestly moved passed my disdain for this person. Some day, I would like to be able to get it all out what she has done. But for now, I am respectful of her children {my step sisters} and I would not take the chance of hurting them . Her whole family knows how she is, and they would agree that this woman even though it is their mother- is not nice. Three men have died since my father. hmmm. She can suck the life right out of a person.
My dad was one in a million, I dont just say that cause he was my dad. He really was! I remember when we were kids we would hate to ask him for questions about our homework because he would answer them .... but would go on and on with details, etc.. Oh what I wouldn't give to go back and listen to his wisdom, or have him here now to ask for advice. When we were younger we would didn't appreciate it. There was one Sunday morning I remember clearly, we were watching cartoons and for some reason asked him what a gas mask was. He said "wait I will show you". He went to the attic and pulled it out and showed us all about it. Ironically, the next day we had a chimney fire and that gas mask that he didn't put away was put to good use as he was on the roof wearing it while putting out the fire. {There is a newspaper clipping somewhere with his picture and heroing story} He seemed to have a perfect life. He had his job as a plant engineer for over twenty years. Every now and then he would take us to his work with the intentions of seeing the machines and such, but inevitably we would go and so many people would stop him and talk with him. So my stepsisters and I would busy ourselves by looking around at all the office cublicles and open drawers to see what goodies people had inside. {we would never take anything} we'd see all the pictures the employees had on their desks of their families. We made the most of it. He was very creative too, we had a huge yard with beautiful stone walls and stone planters that he built himself. He would go down to the brook and get all the stones himself. He was always busying himself with projects and such. He had everything going great except for his marriage. There was no secret that they were not happy but he was afraid she would take him for everything he had, so he stayed. I would always tell him "dad life is too short to be unhappy, its not about the money". Which reminds me of another conversation we had one time on this subject. I told him its about love not money when you find the right one. He would tell me he agreed, but it wouldn't hurt to surround yourself with a lot of wealthy people and then you will meet the right one. haha
I think he just worried about our security. I know he would love scott. We may be broke dad but we are happy. lol I remember getting angry with him for not giving me advice about my relationships, I always valued his opinion. He would tell me "I know you will make the right choices" He was right. There are far too many memories of him to fit into a blog, it would never seem deserving enough to him. He was beyond special.
We got a call from the hospital and I remember our last conversation. He had been having some chest pains that apparently scared him enough to make himself go to the doctor. {he was never sick } They were to send him home the next day and he was to rest. I told him he better rest, we will be quizzing him on his national Geographic magazines to be sure. haha He said his only regret was that he was in a hospital there in Mass and not here in Fla. He wanted to be here so bad. He ended up having a heart anuerism that apparently could not be fixed. they told him he was a walking time bomb, but to go home and he could see a specialist on Monday. I had often thought that if it hadn't been the weekend could he have been saved? But of course they would say no that wasn't the case.
So the next day when My sister's ex husband came to my place of work telling me I needed to go with him I knew something was wrong. Here wasn't the place to try to get me to talk to my sister to take you back. My sister was around the corner of the building, she hadn't the strength to see that look on my face when I was told. I remember saying "just tell me, is it dad?" and he didn't answer. So the next 2 days were spent traveling to Mass by car. My sister and her Ex husband {who she cannot stand} she was worried in our conditions that maybe we couldn't have driven that far by ourselves. He offered. I was angry and in disbelief, how could he leave me? After what I went through with mom how could he leave me. I totally understood the "lump in the throat" saying. There truly is such a thing, it can last a long time. I was a mess. My sister and I had eachother to get through it. Our other sister had come to, but was troubled with her own problems, so she couldn't help us cope. My two brothers met us there as well. My brothers were hiding a secret unknown to us at the time of our fathers funeral. {They would be leaving this world in the following 2 years} Looking back it had to be such hell for them to know that they would be next, and didn't want to put us through it again. {I'll save that for the next blog} The funeral was amazing. They shut down the plant where he worked- day and night shift} so everyone could attend. There were so many people. He was apparently doing a lot more jobs than anyone realized at the time. He was always helping others. I was numb and just remember it being a bit of a blur, but lots of people. I remember staring at the casket and I could swear his stomach was moving. I tried to convince myself that he was so miserable in his marriage that he faked his death. It wouldn't be long and he would come find me, and I would be angry at first for him doing so, but I would understand and everything would be okay. Your mind can really play some tricks on you when you are grieving. It was about a year later, I was driving and I saw a man's face in the rear view mirror ahead of me. Looked just like dad. I actually followed him for a bit, {sounds so crazy looking back} Pulled up beside him and obviously it wasn't dad. But he visits me in my dreams sometimes.
Whew, what a long winded blog. My point for righting this isn't for pity, it just feels good to get it all out. I have noticed that I am usually on the listening end- I like it that way. I would rather listen to others than spill out all of my feelings. So this way, I can get it out. It has been so long that I can write all this without getting too upset. I have read every self help, motivational, inspirational book you could imagine. Time does help. It will never go away, but I am at a different level now. I just realized that my intentions for this blog initially were to talk about the diet without sugar. oh well,,,,, I'll save it for another blog.