Harley

words that will haunt me

10:58 a.m. Blog: Denise Lee's 911 call quoted in opening statements

"I'm sorry. Please let me go. Please let me go. Oh God please please help me please let me see my family again."

Prosecutor Lon Arend began his opening statements Monday by directly quoting the 911 call that Denise Lee made after she was abducted from her North Port home.

Today was the first day of the trial and it starts out like this. This was a transcript. {not even the actual call with her voice} I cannot hear that if I can help it in any way. I have no words, just strong emotions and anger. Oh god please let me see my family again! and she fought so hard!! and people wonder why I would question faith.

I watched it from my computer when I could. I found myself anxious and going from telling myself I am not going to watch to saying I need to. I don't know why.???

I have been attached to this since the beginning, I guess I am telling myself I owe it to Denise and her family to continue through the trial. Never before has someone I never knew effected me so much. I keep telling myself that once this is over I will not read any more newspapers or allow myself to get involved in anything else so horrible and sad. will it ever really be over? will the fears go away? the horrible visions of what she went through?

sigh........... who knows.....

Bubbles

I have had the pleasure of meeting Bubbles. He is so sweet. It is sad that with all the money Michael Jackson made that he didn't give some to the center for his care.
here is an article from people.

updated 8:59 a.m. ET, Tues., June 30, 2009

With all the discussion surrounding the shocking death of Michael Jackson, people have wondered whatever happened to his beloved chimpanzee Bubbles. It turns out, the chimp is alive and well and monkeying around in a Florida primate sanctuary, PEOPLE has learned.

The 26-year old chimp, who lived with Jackson in the late 1980s, has spent the past four years at the Center For Great Apes, home to forty-two chimpanzees and orangutans.

"He's a very sweet and nice chimp, he really is," says sanctuary director Patti Ragan. "I've seen him go to the drinking fountain, start to take a sip of water and then, when he hears one of the younger ones coming, he'll step back and let them have a sip."
A Jackson visit?
Bubbles was born at a facility in Texas that breeds primates for medical testing before Jackson adopted him in the '80s. The chimp arrived at Ragan's sanctuary — which is not open to the public — in 2005 after the singer's former animal trainer stopped working with primates. Not long after, a rep for Jackson contacted the facility, saying that Michael wanted to come and visit his former buddy. But the singer never made the trip.

Over the years, Bubbles has grown into a good-sized adult, and now weighs 160 lbs. His facial features have also changed since his days when he often romped around with Jackson in matching Western outfits. "That pink baby face of his has disappeared," Ragan says. "He still has a lot of fleshy color in his face. But he's a huge guy now and that probably is going to surprise a lot of people."

These days, he spends his time hanging out with a group of six other chimps. Among his favorite things to do: eating sweet potatoes, listening to flute-and-guitar music, painting and kicking back with longtime buddy Sam, 40. "The two of them like to climb up to the top of a cupola [located on the sanctuary grounds] and just sit there, staring out over the orange groves, watching the traffic in the distance," says Ragan. "He loves being up there."

Bubbles's future
And the chimpanzee hasn't been told of his former owner's recent death. "We haven't said anything to him yet," she says, adding that his mood over the past few days has been typically chimp-like: "He's been his usual self, interacting with friends, eating well, taking cover when it rains."

Ragan says it's not yet known if Jackson stipulated that any money from his estate would be used to support Bubbles, who could easily live to the age of 60. To this date, his care has come from solely from public donations. To learn more about Bubbles's new home, go to CenterForGreatapes.org

Mane chains....

This was fun. Before the Horse show they were cutting a piece of the mane on some of the horses, to better fit the halters. I was petting my favorite horse "Harley" and I looked down and saw his hair. I thought.... hmmm... what could I do with this? then I brought it home and this is what I came up with. a rush job, but it was fun. hey it might sound strange, but there are lots of uses for horse hair, violin strings, etc,.. right? why not art? I thought it would be nice to give all the kids one at their last horse lesson class. it's cute cause now a few of the kids will run up to me with a handful of matted horse hair they found on the ground and say "we have some horse hair for the keychains". It is just a lovely place. we want to nominate this family for the extreme home makeover. they do so much for the community and these horses, and all the kids. It would be wonderful if they could get something like that.

What do Chimpanzees and motor oil have in common?

What do chimpanzees and motor oil have in common? If you said nothing, you probably missed Super Bowl 43, when these otherwise incongruent entities shared the screen in a 30-second commercial for Castrol Edge.

In the spot (titled "Grease Monkeys" despite the fact that its simian stars are not monkeys but apes), a slacker lounges in his garage as chimpanzee "mechanics" work on his car. Crowned with an oil filter, the man tells his neighbor that the chimps have made him their king.

The half-minute commercial may have generated a few laughs, and somehow even spiked motor oil sales, but the price paid by the animal actors isn't worth it, according to Patti Ragan, founder of the Center for Great Apes in Wauchula, Florida.

Ragan's facility is home to 42 chimpanzees and orangutans, many of whom are retired from show business. Some starred in previous Super Bowl commercials, including popular spots for E-Trade and CareerBuilder.com. It's because she is caring for these former Super Bowl stars that Ragan was troubled by the new Castrol spot.

"Having animals that have appeared in Super Bowl commercials before, and knowing what the issues are, it made me very sad to see those chimps, and to see that we haven't moved beyond that," Ragan said in a phone interview. "People don't think about what happens to these animals after they appear in these commercials. They don't know that we're sacrificing an endangered animal's future to make money for a company selling a product."

The use of apes in entertainment is nothing new (just ask Bonzo), but thanks to recent campaigns by Jane Goodall and other primatologists, we now know the problems inherent in the practice. On her website, Goodall points out that performing primates are separated from their mothers as infants and discarded by the time they reach puberty. Since chimpanzees live 50 to 60 years in captivity, that means these hirsute has-beens will require decades of costly care after the end of their short show-biz careers.

The lucky ones -- like Jason Alexander's orangutan sidekick from Dunston Checks In -- end up at places like the Center for Great Apes. The Castrol chimps may not be so fortunate. "I'm beyond capacity," Ragan says, noting she has more than a dozen apes on her waiting list but lacks the resources to take them in. It costs approximately $15,000 a year to care for one ape, and like most non-profits, the Center is feeling the pinch of the current economic crisis.

While everyone involved with a commercial -- from the network and ad agency to the actors, caterers, and animal trainers -- makes money, nothing is put aside for the animals' future. No residual checks are wending their way to Wauchula for the former stars of the CareerBuilder ads, even though their likenesses are still being used on the company's website.

"CareerBuilder has stopped using chimpanzees in their commercials, which is wonderful, however they still have their Monk-E Mail campaign on their website," Ragan says. "They have our chimpanzee Bella, in a pink dress and pearls, and Ellie, a female that was seven-years-old, whom they put makeup on to make her look like an old male executive." (Bella is pictured above; Ellie is below left in the CareerBuilder ad, and right, at the Center.)

Ragan, who has urged the company to remove the chimps from its website, adds, "I would like CareerBuilder to consider the revenue they get from exploiting those chimps that we are now taking care of, and to think about where those chimps are right now."

Beyond their effect on the lives of the individual apes in the ads, commercials like Castrol's may have a negative impact on conservation, according to a recent study published in Science. The study found that because chimps are so widely used in TV shows and commercials, people assume they must be thriving -- a dangerous misconception according to lead author Steve Ross, chair of the American Zoo and Aquarium Association's Chimpanzee Species Survival Plan. "This inaccurate and inappropriate portrayal of chimpanzees may negatively influence the way the public perceives this endangered species, which is in need of serious conservation efforts," Ross said.

Needless to say, dressing chimps in clothing and prompting them to mimic human behavior further distorts public perception of these apes. Such depictions may tickle the funny bone, but at what cost? "For us to get a few yuks," Ragan says, "it doesn't justify jeopardizing the lives of these animals -- taking them away from their mothers, using them for a few years, and leaving them with an uncertain future."

Some advertisers have chosen to get out of the ape business altogether. Honda, Subaru, and Yahoo! are among the companies that have pledged to quit using apes in their advertisements. Ragan applauds those companies and urges others to follow suit. She also calls on the advertisers, networks, and the Super Bowl itself to consider their complicity.

"The people who write these commercials and sell the companies on using great apes, and the people who buy these commercials and sell the airtime, they need to think about what they're doing to impact wildlife, impact animal welfare, impact people's attitudes about conservation, and impact these individual animals' lives."

Brenda Scott Royce The Huffington Post

A year ago Today....

I think of it as a year ago today, it was actually the 17th of January when Denise Amber lee was taken out of her home, kidnapped, raped and murdered. I remember clearly that it was a Thursday. {Today is Thursday} I had my regular cleaning/shopping job in North Port. I wont repeat all the details again, I am sure it is written somewhere. I don't know if I will ever understand why it effected me so much. I didn't know her or her family.
I had many friends tell me that I shouldn't think about it, obviously why would I want to think about it? Maybe my connection comes from being a stay at home mom too. ? I just cannot understand how anybody could do this to a person? wtf!?!? This savage sick son of a Bitch needs to be put down. I honestly have not let him invade my thoughts that much anymore. I just try not to think about him at all. it is just so insane! she was minding her own business, doing what she loved, being home with her babies! Just the other day a man came to my door -I saw his landscaping truck, door open, and he knocked on the door asking if I wanted my tree trimmed. { I remember opening the door and telling him thanks but we are losing our home- so the tree is the least of our worries } Right after I shut the door I told Kyle, I shouldn't of opened the door! what was I thinking? I was actually shaking a little. I thought about Denise Again, could it have been something as simple as that? someone asking if she needed service on the house? anything? in an instant your life can be totally gone. Haven't we all opened the door without thinking? I don't want to live where I am scared of everything!? yet, I know things can happen too. I think about how her last moments were, what she may have been doing before he came to the door. There is no way she could have even imagined something so horrific happening. It has put my life in perspective a bit more. You never know when your last day will be, however, if you overthink it too much it could turn into OCD I'm sure. It makes me want to call scott a thousand times a day and tell him I love him one more time. I dont think he would appreciate it much with his pre-paid phone. haha Besides, I know he already knows. I hope that everyone I care about already knows how I feel. I try to live that way.

We are trying to make changes within the 911 system. It is clearly going to be a long road. We will prevail though, and hopefully turn this tragedy into triumph.
Denise you will never be forgotten

A Bit Of Hope...........

We discovered the Bit Of Hope Horse Rescue Ranch in Englewood. They rescue horses, take excellent care of them and some are sell them to good homes. It is a work to ride ranch. I have been taking Kayla and Heidi. {she is a good friend of Kayla's} she has become like family to us}
I think it is a wonderful experience, the girls went three times and worked to gain their four hours and get one hour to ride . They were beaming while riding. I looked around and saw so many kids riding, thinking to myself this is just about every teen girls dream. Kids come after school, muck the stalls, groom, etc.. and learn all about horses first hand. I wish I had something like this when I was younger. She has seventeen horses right now, all beautiful, different types of horses. We will definitely be going once a week if not more if we get closer to Englewood at some point.

I am grateful............

Wow, this blogging thing really helps. Since I have shared so much sorrow, I thought it would be best to share the good that came with the bad.
For starters, my earliest memories had to be with My Best Friend in the world- Karen. She was my step mother's niece. well, she still is.. but she doesn't speak to her either. So I guess she was my "Step cousin". We grew up close, we were always together. I feel sorry for people who don't have a best friend. It is so nice to have someone who doesn't judge you, is always there and a confidant. We have had more laughs than I could possibly count. we were goofy, still are. I lived with her family for a while because they knew it wasn't easy living at my house with the stepmother. I felt really bad when I left her out of high school and moved to Florida. we always kept in touch but it was hard not seeing her often. Her life took a turn for the worse as well- she lost both parents and her aunt and sister in a short period of time. We never would imagined as kids that we would grow up and everyone would be gone. We still have a great connection and humor is our medicine. We don't have to go anywhere or need any entertainment, we can just laugh about old times and I miss her so much. We still have the phone, but its not the same.
I have many great friends! I wouldn't want to leave anyone out, you know who you are:) at least I hope you do.
My parents were a blessing. I had great parents, they were good people who instilled values in us, never abusive or mean spirited. I have no regrets at all about them knowing my true feelings.
My grandparents who lived right next door. The sweetest people you could meet. My grandfather passed on not too long after my dad. It was so hard to see them in so much pain. My gram is still alive! 93 :) we made it up there for her 90th birthday to suprise her. she is the kindest soul. I remember as kids how everyone would come in the house and she would always have lots of food, the best banana bread in the world. At their house you truly left your troubles at the door. She always had the pink canadian mints in a bowl for everyone to eat. lots of goodies. we would often get in trouble for sneaking over to grandmas house and it would spoil our dinner.
My sister Chris! she is an angel on earth. Anyone who knows her can attest to that. she truly is one in a million. she is always there, we have helped eachother get through so much. I wish sometimes that Kayla could have a sister{S} like I do. I am not going to have more kids though. lol
so Hopefully she will have a best friend that is like a sister.:)
I am very grateful for my sister Shelly as well, we just have been distant for so long. I love her and miss her dearly. I hope we can be reconnected- she is finally getting her life back in order. I am proud of you shelly.
My brothers- I have already posted about how much they mean to me- never far from my thoughts and the memories I cherish.
My husband, he is my soul mate. I am very fortunate to have a husband that accepts me for who I am, and is so respectful and kind. He is my other half. I can be myself with him, as it should be, but there are many people who can't be themselves with their significant others. I am aware of how lucky I am.
My children, they are my world! they are sensitive, caring amazing kids. I love them dearly. I like that they balance each other. Kyle is level headed, cautious a little more on the conservative side. {which is fine} He thinks everything through thoroughly and Kayla is the throw caution to the wind, live free,,, always looking for the rainbows kind of child. Hopefully they will learn from each other and gain those needed qualities from each. I love that I can talk with my kids and they are not afraid to talk to me. I do need to lighten up some and have some "more fun," that is my only regret. They both have a sense of humor and enthusiasm which helps.

My health- as far as I know I am fairly healthy. Except for the poundage I plan to lose this year. seriously this time..... :)
There are many more things I am grateful for - I just can't fit it all into the blog today.... I may possibly have to edit in the future.
I am grateful...

My Two Brothers..........

Well, since the last Blog I thought it wasn't fair not to write something about my brothers as they are on my mind as well. My parents divorced when I was quite young, four I believe. I cannot remember them ever being together. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. My 2 brothers Ken and Bruce left with my mom and my sister shell moved shortly after. Even though my father gained custody he couldn't force them to stay. Years later he would realize why they left. The wicked stepmother. My sister Chris and I had to stay. My mother moved to Florida, it was a blessing. At the time I hated that she moved so far away- it was hard only being able to spend summers with her. I couldn't imagine my life had I been in my hometown to this day. I would surely be messed up had she not showed us a better place. Well, about my brothers... Ken was the oldest, and hard to get close to. He was humorous, a sick sense of humor and very distant. I still loved him but there was so much age difference as he was the oldest and I was the youngest. I think he resented having to babysit for the younger siblings for many years. I remember always trying to get close to him. My brother Bruce, he was my hero. He always took me under his wing whenever I got to see him. I was in my early teens when he confided in me that he was gay. I felt special that he didn't hide it from me, and talked to me like I wasn't a kid. I remember cleaning his car for five bucks, ridding his car of an embarassing amount of fast food wrappers. lol He was just a genuinely good person. He made me laugh, he wasn't afraid to show affection like my brother Ken. We had a musical connection. He would take me everywhere, we would be listening to meat loaf and Barbara mandrell. He would tell me what the song meanings were. I was at the bowling alley one time , sitting with a friend, my back was to the door. My friend said "Dont turn around just yet but the hottest guy just walked through the door"... I turned around and said "ew thats my brother" They were both very good looking though. I also became friends with their friends. we would joke about who knew more - fun trying to see If I had gaydar. Tim {my brother Bruce's friend} were at the aiport and I thought I could spot anyone who was gay, and who was not. I'd say he is or he isn't, he would say nope you are wrong. Most often it was the cuter they were they always seemed to be gay. lol It's not fair! I would say. we laughed a lot. I remember him coming home for christmas one year, I was in my early teens. A bit of a worry wart. I would sit up and wait for him to come home. All sorts of thoughts going through my head, what if he got into an accident? etc.... I dont know maybe it was because my mother had a bad habit of listening to a scanner so she would know before the kids got home if they had been pulled over, etc...
He made it home and it was a good christmas. I had wanted a bike really bad, he told me that I was to get a computer. I said I dont want a computer. {computers didn't appeal to me way back then and what good would it be?} he would go on and on about how cool a computer was and all the things you could do. He was trying to get my mind off of a bike and to suprise me. So on Christmas morning I was all geared up to get that computer~ nope.... it was a bike.
I would make his lunches for him when he would come home for lunch. I would be all excited to make him a sandwich , so I would have it made in the morning sitting on the table waiting for him to get home. {didn't realize the spoilage concept at that point} but it was ready and waiting.....
We had lots of good memories. He ended up moving to Tampa. {we would later find out he moved so far away so they could distance themselves from us} As to make their deaths easier on us. yeah right..
Right after my father passed I had a bank account full of cash. {inheritance} So I wandered around aimlessly the following year just buying stuff. I think there ought to be a law that you can't touch inheritance money for a year or more following a death. Or else you just blow it, and you will find out later that you could have done so much more with it. I used some of the money to go to Arizona to visit my sister Shell. She let it slip that our brothers were dying with aids. I was in total shock~ What the hell? Our dad just died, and you are telling me that our brothers are gonna die too?? why had she known this and we didn't? How could she just say it like that!?? how dare she!?? she was so far away and had distanced herself from our brothers quite a while before this. I wanted to go back home right away to be with my sister chris. She needed to know too, but I couldn't tell her on the phone.
I got back home and my sister chris called my brother Bruce to ask. The answer was yes. We made the drive to Tampa many many times, just to see them as much as we could. I was in deep denial and kept telling them that they will find a cure, and they could outlive us. I just refused to accept it. I didn't appreciate their sick sense of humor at the time. As they were ailing one of them lost hearing in one ear and the other in the opposite so they would call eachother deaf bitches or comments like that. Through it all they kept their humor. We kept thinking back to dad's funeral and looking at it differently. The look on our brothers faces became more vivid. They knew they would be next. They got aids when people didn't know about aids and had it for many years. They wanted us to be sure to tell people to be safe and it is totally preventable if you know about it. That following year was a roller coaster. Going to Tampa and visiting them and trying to deny that they looked any different. I still have an answering machine tape with his voice saying " hey booboo, it's your big brother Bruce, I went to the doctor and everything is fine,,, I looooove you. talk to you soon. Things got worse and our last visit was awful. He had gotten so thin, he wouldn't eat. I wanted to hug him but didn't want to hurt him. He still insisted he would be fine. We didn't want to leave his house but we knew we had to. we begged him to please go to the hospital. He promised us he would in the morning. The next morning we drove to his house and everyone was standing out front. We were bawling before we walked up to the house. we knew he was gone. I felt that losing Bruce was harder than losing my parents. why?? why? why? hasn't our family had enough? how could god take so many good people from one family? There was no service. They didn't want us to have to go through another funeral. After 2 limousine rides following the hearses of our parents they wanted it to be different. My sister chris and I had our own memorial with friends. We have made ourselves feel better by saying that at least mom and dad went first. Imagine if they had to lose both their sons? I later received a letter from one of my brother's friends. It was a letter he had written to me. He was only 33 when he passed.

Jeanine,
I am willing to bet that I know how you are feeling right about now. Believe me if there were anything that I could do tohave not given you this pain I would not have hesitated to do it.
You are a very strong woman Jeanine. That is how I know that you will get though this. The one thing you have to do is value yourself more than you do. You are strong and smart and pretty and one of the most caring people that I know. There is no reason that you cannot become whatever you want in life. Through our entire childhood it seems we were all held back in some way from thinking we would ever amount to anything. I want to tell you that is bullshit. I believe in you Jeanine. You need to do the same. I am not trying to give you a hard time, I merely want you to know that I believe in you. I am pretty sure that if I know you like I do your having a real hard time dealing with this. There is no right or wrong way to deal with a loved one dying. From having lost both parents and countless friends over the years all I can say that you have to remember to hold onto the ones that you love tightly as long as you can. I feel really fortunate that I may have not had a long life but I did have a full one. not many people that I have lost can say that. The only thing I can think of as worse than dying young is dying alone and unloved. thanks to tim and my brother and sisters for being with me, that is not something I will have to deal with. I can't hug you anymore. So, that you will know every night when you go to sleep your big brother has hugged you. I love you Jeanine you are special. Dont Ever forget it..... Love you always, Bruce
The following year Ken passed. same thing..watched him get worse until finally it was time. I remember wondering which was worse- our parents sudden deaths where we didn't even get to say goodbye or an illness where you have lots of time to say goodbye but seeing someone deteriorate is not good either. I guess there is pros and cons to both.
My sister chris and I got through it together. I had a few years where it never left my mind. When I met scott I was hesitant ,I didn't want to put him through my misery. Why would someone want to be with me? I was broken. Would I ever be normal again? I was angry and depressed. I had nothing to offer I thought. I became a little neurotic about death at that time. Worrying about scott and my sister chris dying. They could surely never ever ride in a car together. If I lost them both at the same time I would surely end it all. We did eventually seek counseling. I remember the first time I went on the advice of my sister cause she had gone for a while before I had. I thought I dont need this, my life is fine. It all worked out. I remember just rambling for hour sessions once a week. About nothing seemingly significant- but feeling really tired when I left. Apparently it helped. My counselor would joke with me about trying to help all the other patients in the waiting room. I swear sometimes I have an invisible force magnet that propels people to tell me all their problems. I dont mind, I kind of enjoy it. Even now, I will be in a store or out somewhere and all of the sudden someone comes up to me and somehow I know their life story. lol
Having kids has helped me tremendously. I live happy now for them. They are my world. Life is much better.....

2009 So far.............

Four days so far without sugar, and I feel great so far. I know, It is only three days into the year, but I started on New Years Eve. We dont usually do too much on New Years, it's better to be at home avoiding all the drunks on the roads. I had never really thought about it much until this year about some of the past New Years Eve's.
My father and his wife were married on New Years Eve. we were never invited. {should have known at that point something was wrong} why you wouldn't want your own family at your wedding. No, it wasn't that they were happy love birds who wanted to elope. I am quite sure it was to satisfy the witches demands. I have honestly moved passed my disdain for this person. Some day, I would like to be able to get it all out what she has done. But for now, I am respectful of her children {my step sisters} and I would not take the chance of hurting them . Her whole family knows how she is, and they would agree that this woman even though it is their mother- is not nice. Three men have died since my father. hmmm. She can suck the life right out of a person.
My dad was one in a million, I dont just say that cause he was my dad. He really was! I remember when we were kids we would hate to ask him for questions about our homework because he would answer them .... but would go on and on with details, etc.. Oh what I wouldn't give to go back and listen to his wisdom, or have him here now to ask for advice. When we were younger we would didn't appreciate it. There was one Sunday morning I remember clearly, we were watching cartoons and for some reason asked him what a gas mask was. He said "wait I will show you". He went to the attic and pulled it out and showed us all about it. Ironically, the next day we had a chimney fire and that gas mask that he didn't put away was put to good use as he was on the roof wearing it while putting out the fire. {There is a newspaper clipping somewhere with his picture and heroing story} He seemed to have a perfect life. He had his job as a plant engineer for over twenty years. Every now and then he would take us to his work with the intentions of seeing the machines and such, but inevitably we would go and so many people would stop him and talk with him. So my stepsisters and I would busy ourselves by looking around at all the office cublicles and open drawers to see what goodies people had inside. {we would never take anything} we'd see all the pictures the employees had on their desks of their families. We made the most of it. He was very creative too, we had a huge yard with beautiful stone walls and stone planters that he built himself. He would go down to the brook and get all the stones himself. He was always busying himself with projects and such. He had everything going great except for his marriage. There was no secret that they were not happy but he was afraid she would take him for everything he had, so he stayed. I would always tell him "dad life is too short to be unhappy, its not about the money". Which reminds me of another conversation we had one time on this subject. I told him its about love not money when you find the right one. He would tell me he agreed, but it wouldn't hurt to surround yourself with a lot of wealthy people and then you will meet the right one. haha
I think he just worried about our security. I know he would love scott. We may be broke dad but we are happy. lol I remember getting angry with him for not giving me advice about my relationships, I always valued his opinion. He would tell me "I know you will make the right choices" He was right. There are far too many memories of him to fit into a blog, it would never seem deserving enough to him. He was beyond special.
We got a call from the hospital and I remember our last conversation. He had been having some chest pains that apparently scared him enough to make himself go to the doctor. {he was never sick } They were to send him home the next day and he was to rest. I told him he better rest, we will be quizzing him on his national Geographic magazines to be sure. haha He said his only regret was that he was in a hospital there in Mass and not here in Fla. He wanted to be here so bad. He ended up having a heart anuerism that apparently could not be fixed. they told him he was a walking time bomb, but to go home and he could see a specialist on Monday. I had often thought that if it hadn't been the weekend could he have been saved? But of course they would say no that wasn't the case.
So the next day when My sister's ex husband came to my place of work telling me I needed to go with him I knew something was wrong. Here wasn't the place to try to get me to talk to my sister to take you back. My sister was around the corner of the building, she hadn't the strength to see that look on my face when I was told. I remember saying "just tell me, is it dad?" and he didn't answer. So the next 2 days were spent traveling to Mass by car. My sister and her Ex husband {who she cannot stand} she was worried in our conditions that maybe we couldn't have driven that far by ourselves. He offered. I was angry and in disbelief, how could he leave me? After what I went through with mom how could he leave me. I totally understood the "lump in the throat" saying. There truly is such a thing, it can last a long time. I was a mess. My sister and I had eachother to get through it. Our other sister had come to, but was troubled with her own problems, so she couldn't help us cope. My two brothers met us there as well. My brothers were hiding a secret unknown to us at the time of our fathers funeral. {They would be leaving this world in the following 2 years} Looking back it had to be such hell for them to know that they would be next, and didn't want to put us through it again. {I'll save that for the next blog} The funeral was amazing. They shut down the plant where he worked- day and night shift} so everyone could attend. There were so many people. He was apparently doing a lot more jobs than anyone realized at the time. He was always helping others. I was numb and just remember it being a bit of a blur, but lots of people. I remember staring at the casket and I could swear his stomach was moving. I tried to convince myself that he was so miserable in his marriage that he faked his death. It wouldn't be long and he would come find me, and I would be angry at first for him doing so, but I would understand and everything would be okay. Your mind can really play some tricks on you when you are grieving. It was about a year later, I was driving and I saw a man's face in the rear view mirror ahead of me. Looked just like dad. I actually followed him for a bit, {sounds so crazy looking back} Pulled up beside him and obviously it wasn't dad. But he visits me in my dreams sometimes.
Whew, what a long winded blog. My point for righting this isn't for pity, it just feels good to get it all out. I have noticed that I am usually on the listening end- I like it that way. I would rather listen to others than spill out all of my feelings. So this way, I can get it out. It has been so long that I can write all this without getting too upset. I have read every self help, motivational, inspirational book you could imagine. Time does help. It will never go away, but I am at a different level now. I just realized that my intentions for this blog initially were to talk about the diet without sugar. oh well,,,,, I'll save it for another blog.