2008

Well, 2008 was supposed to be great! Sadly it was not. In 2007 our financial troubles began with the news of our insurance being tripled. Which in turn made it impossible to keep up with the mortgage, we know we are not alone- but thought it would never happen to us. We live within our means, we buy used, I'm not too proud to shop thrift stores and such. So the motto was to be things will be great in 2008. Gas went up, seemed like everything just sky rocketed and the next thing we knew it was like what the heck happened??
We became very involved in the Denise Amber Lee Foundation. When this tragedy happened I just couldn't }and still cannot} seem to let go. It is heart wrenching and there are truly no words to describe the immense needless sorrow her family has had to endure. There is no reason at all- to know that there are psychopath monsters out there that can come into your home and rip your world apart is just a nightmare. pure terror. Then, the whole 9-1-1 mess that should have saved her. I cannot even repeat it all right now because I am so drained by it all. I wont give up the fight, and she will forever remain in my heart even though I never knew her. I do need to step back some and try to find some sense of peace in my own life this coming year.

Rick passed away the day after Thanksgiving, {for those who dont know, he was the man that I worked for. I cleaned and grocery shopped for him for the past eight years. He was a wonderful man. the nicest guy you could ever meet. He appreciated everything, and never wanted to make a fuss. He had a form of luegarics {sp?} disease, so he had lost muscle control over the years. But he did well. He used to tell me that if it wasn't for me he wouldn't be able to live on his own. :(
I would tell him that even if I won the lottery I would still clean for him. I meant it. We chatted every week and would fill eachother in on our lives. He had a special sense of humor. I got to know him well and could have shopped without a list. He could tell me who was coming over and I would know just what he would need from the store. He will be missed so much. I still do not know what to do with myself on Thursday nights, I have to resist the urge to drive over to his house. :( I not only lost my job..... I lost a friend.

This year has taken it's toll on us, my weight is the highest it has ever been, my face is a mess. {wrinkles and acne} I cannot think straight, tired of the bill collectors calling, I'm just so tired of being tired. I used to always pull myself out of the slumps, I was always the polly anna saying things will always work out. I know deep in my heart that they will work out, one way or another. But those hopes are few and far in between. Everything seems to take so much energy. Every little thing. There has got to be a better way. I was never going to be one of those people who would feel this way. I was never gonna "let myself go". ""sigh" Hopefully it's just PMS, Hopefully things will turn around. It is time for big changes, and I am grateful for what I do have. I have a truly wonderful husband who means the world to me. We get along so well and he truly is my other half. My children are amazing and they are smart and healthy, I am truly blessed. I have wonderful friends. I dont have any enemies that I am aware of. {just the damn bill collectors if they count} I know I could have it worse, it could always be worse. I think of the Lee's and the Goffs, and the millions of people who have to deal with those tragedies every day. I feel guilty when I get upset with our problems when I think of the others. Who the hell am I to get upset???? I think of Rachel who lost Madeline. There can absolutely be no worse thing than losing a child, but to lose a child in the hands of someone else just ugghh I can't even imagine. There are too many questions and I cannot understand how there can be so many cruel people in the world!?!? {I do know that there are really good people as well} ... It effects me to some degree just to think about all of these tragedies, But I know it is in no way near the extent that it would if it were someone I knew. But then I think that If I dont get somewhat upset, discouraged, etc,,, I will have no reason to changet things. I hope that I will gain the strength to change things and to realize how and when to do so. I guess I am just waiting for the sense of calmness and peace to come into my life. Does it ever happen? Or is that just for when we die?? I guess only time will tell. Hoping Things are going to be fine in 2009.

Mom's Birthday

Well, today would have been my mom's birthday. I can hardly believe she would be 70!
She was 47 years old when she passed away on January 19th 1986. I will never forget the day because I was 14 and it was my first experience with death. {besides our beloved pet dog penny}
we had been at my aunts house the night before, about 45 minutes away from where we lived. she was babysitting for my cousins. I ended up staying the night that night because they didn't want to wake me up to take me home. {it never stopped them before, but I am thankful for whatever reason they decided not to take me home} for if I had I would have witnessed my mother's passing. she had a heart attack at home. It was sudden, unexpected. we got the call and the rest is history.
I am fortunate to have had my father at the time who managed to somehow get to where I was in what seemed like minutes from a few town away. I had many long talks with my dad about death over the years, he would bring me to the cemetary and I would get angry and sit in the car. He thought he was doing the right thing, but I didn't want to go stare at a cold stone. A 14 year old has a hard time imagining what goes on underneath the ground at a time like that. so to this day you will not see me visiting the cemetaries and such, I will be the one in the car waiting for the others to finish their visits. I remember telling my dad that I had hoped to pass on before he did because I didn't want to go through it again. He gave me quite a big lecture and said "dont you dare say that!" he lived a full life and there is nothing worse than losing a child. It's a conversation that wasn't appreciated until I had kids of my own. I miss my mom still, but it is different. She has missed so much of my life, that I think what I miss most is the "could haves" I have just learned to deal with it, and only get little twinges of grief when I see mother daughters with close relationships and having lunches, heart to hearts, etc,,, but time really does heal. I can think about her today and laugh at the silly things she would say and do, and my sisters and I joke around calling eachother "Eileen" {her name} when we see the silly resemblences in our day to day lives. We honored her by using her middle name which was Amber for our own girls. My sister Shelly used Nicole Amber, My sister Chris used Grace Amber and I now have Kayla AmbeRae . {blended amber with rae to honor my mother in law as well}
Well, my first ramble at my blog....... Happy Birthday mom, you will always be remembered with kindness and love and dont worry I am okay.